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Laurie Cameron

Certified Coach & Master Certified Relationship Coach

The Journey From Fear to Love

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Weekly WAKE UP Call!

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February 2, 2009

 

The Etch-a-Sketch Theory

 

Do you remember Etch-a-Sketches? They're the drawing screens with 2 knobs - one for drawing vertical lines, one for drawing horizontal lines. If you turn the knobs at the same time, you get a diagonal line. And if you're REALLY good at it, you can draw an actual picture. (As a kid, I was pretty content with my well-honed ability to draw lots of squiggly lines, and declare them masterpieces!)

 

Then, when you've had enough of that particular drawing, you just turn it upside down and shake it back and forth vigorously. The picture is erased, and you have a clean Etch-a-Sketch, ready to start again. It sure sounds outrageously primitive by today's technology standards, but they're still around!

 

So what in the world does this toy have to do with healthy, "evolutionary relationships"?

Guilt by Projection

 

Whenever we meet someone new (and let's focus on romantic partnerships for this article, although this theory applies to all of our relationships), we often have a tendency to unconsciously bring images and perceptions of past experiences to this new relationship.

 

Perhaps he has some of the same mannerisms as your former partner, and you avoid him because of that. Maybe she likes the same food or drives the same car as your ex-wife, and you feel less attracted to her. Or maybe he uses the same phrases as your last boyfriend, and that makes you cringe because the breakup was painful.

 

By bringing these old filters into a new relationship, you're cheating yourself and the other person out of a fresh, authentic experience. You're pre-judging that person on the basis of your past experiences, which really have nothing to do with who he or she actually is - or isn't.

Unconscious Story-telling

Another tendency we have is to fill in the blanks when we don't know everything about someone. As we get to know someone and begin seeing personality qualities we like, it's so easy to make up stories about what we don't see but hope to - or need to - see someday. If he seems to be romantic, it's easy to plug him into the role of Prince Charming. If she's kind to you, it can be easy to unconsciously project the rest of your “ideal woman” picture onto her.

 

Unfortunately, all this projecting and story telling usually comes to a screeching halt when your fairy tale slams up against the reality that we're all fallible human beings with lots of room to grow. Enter rampant and unnecessary drama, angst, heartbreak and blame.

 

Well, one way out of these unconscious relationship traps is to think of each new person you meet as a brand new Etch-a-Sketch, right out of the box. Each person is a blank screen. Regardless of similarities to anyone in your past, they are NOT your former partner, ex-husband or ex-wife, or your old boyfriend or girlfriend. You don't know what's in their heart - their fears, hopes, and dreams - until you provide the space where they feel safe to share with you who they really are.

 

The ONE Rule

Here's the main rule of this Etch-a-Sketch Theory: You must sit back and watch as that person draws him or herself for you. You MAY NOT touch either of the knobs! You may not make up stories about who you want them to be or how you want them to fit into your life.

 

You are allowed - and required! -  to ask questions and spend time with them to determine if it's appropriate to continue the relationship or not. But sit on your hands if you have to, and let them control their own knobs. Resist the temptation to draw them they way you want to see them.

Current Partners

This metaphor also applies to you if you're already in a partnership, because the relationship itself is like a separate Etch-a-Sketch. Did you ever try to draw a picture on one with a sibling or friend? If so, you know that when you only have control of just ONE of the knobs, it takes a lot of communication, patience and give-and-take to first create a common vision for the picture, then to move towards that vision - just like a relationship!

 

Here's your WAKE UP CALL TO ACTION:

Sit back and take a look at each of the important relationships in your life, both personal and business.

 

Are you projecting your own stories onto what you want the other person to be, or are you allowing them to “draw” themselves for you while you sit back and observe with curiosity and compassion?

 

Are you trying to take control of both knobs on the relationship Etch-a-Sketch, or are you working towards a common relationship vision with patience and clear communication?

 

And are you giving control of YOUR Etch-a-Sketch to else in your life, or are you holding appropriate boundaries in your relationships? 

 

 

Check out an amazing Etch-a-Sketch artist in Boulder, Colorado: http://www.etch-a-sketchartist.com/

And check out how it works… fascinating! http://www.howstuffworks.com/question317.htm

 

(c) 2009 Laurie Cameron. All rights in all media reserved

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NOTE: you have my permission to share or reprint this article, as long as you include the following byline at the end of it:

 

 

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