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Laurie Cameron

Certified Coach & Master Certified Relationship Coach

The Journey From Fear to Love

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Weekly WAKE UP Call!

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September 29, 2008

 

Mind the Gap!

 

 

There are signs throughout the underground railway in London – "The Tube"– that warn travelers to "Mind the Gap." This refers to the gap between the platform and the train. It makes sense that they don't want people to trip or twist an ankle in that space.

 

There's another gap that's critically important to mind: the gap between our expectations and reality.

 

I believe that it is in this gap that all relationship “gunk” resides: anger, taking offense, frustration, resentment, victim, blame, heartbreak, and drama.

 

Think about the last time you got angry. Was it at another person? Did they say or do something that you didn't like? Was it about a situation or event?

Chances are real good that whatever you thought the situation should have been did not match what it actually was. I'll bet that the greater the gap between your expectation and reality, the angrier you got. I'll also bet that the more you needed reality to match your "should," the angrier you got.

 

The "should" comes from whatever story we've dreamed up detailing all the specific situations, events, and behaviors (ours and other people's) that we think will make our lives easier and make us happier. Then, when those "shoulds" don't match reality, we loose it.

 

"How dare he lie to me!"

"She was so mean to me!"

"I can't believe traffic is backed up, I'll be late for my meeting!"

 

Here's the reality: he doesn't always tell the truth; she doesn't always know how her actions impact you; more people are on the road at the same time than the size of the road can easily accommodate. Like it or not, that's the way it is.

It's all about YOU!

Since YOU are the only person in a relationship you can change, then your anger (or drama, frustration, resentment, heartbreak, etc.) is actually all about YOU! It's all about YOUR expectations and the stories YOU have made up about how YOUR life and the people in it SHOULD be.

 

When I share this with clients and in workshops, one of the typical first responses is "I don't want to lower my expectations, I don't want to settle." Well, it's not at all about settling. Minding the Gap is more about accepting reality and making different choices that will eliminate anger and the rest of the gunk that sucks the joy out of our relationships and our lives.

 

YOUR WAKE UP CALL

Here's a place to begin: Mind the Gap. Next time you feel angry, frustrated, hurt, or resentful, STOP.

Step back out of the emotion of it and ask yourself two questions:

 

1. What are my expectations of this person or this situation?

2. What's the reality?

 

In my experience, the mere act of taking on the role of observer – like a scientist observing a lab rat in a maze – will be enough to jump start the wheels of personal evolution.

In that moment of accepting reality exactly as it is (which does NOT mean you have to like it or agree with it), is the moment of pure freedom. You are free to make a different choice that will bring you greater peace of mind. Pretty good idea, huh?

 

(c) 2008 Laurie Cameron. All rights in all media reserved

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NOTE: you have my permission to share or reprint this article, as long as you include the following byline at the end of it:

 

 

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